Finding our “No”

What is it with saying no that we find as humans so difficult?  Personally, it’s something I have always struggled to grapple with, and I am certain I’m not on my own, in holding somewhat negative connotations towards this short but powerful word. 

 I feel that growing up in the nineties, saying “no”, along with questioning authority, and asserting yourself, were not encouraged. On the contrary, they were often deemed to be disrespectful, inappropriate and well, simply not good behaviour. I am aware, to some, I may sound like I am beyond my years, when I reference ‘growing up in the nineties’, but it seems like a generation far removed from the teenage culture we observe today. I’d go as far as saying I envy the youth of today, in some regard. Today’s generation of teenagers and young adults, have a very clear vision of their rights and personal values. They voice their opinions with gusto, and seem to wear proudly, a self-assurance that definitely wasn’t as prevalent 15 years ago. Don’t get me wrong, there are innumerable aspects of growing up in this era, that I am glad to have been protected from, but as with most things in life, with the good comes the bad. 

Anyhow, reeling back from the above tangent I have found myself on... 

I decided to explore how we view our “no’s”, as I saw in so many others, the same nervousness and hesitation, that I know myself only too well. Why do we feel the need to explain why we can’t go to our friend’s, brother’s, neighbour’s, dog’s gender reveal party? Why do we feel a sense of badness for telling someone we won’t be able to do what they ask of us? Why do we feel ashamed when forced to admit we haven’t got the high-flying career of a ‘Girl Boss’, haven’t travelled to 85 different countries, and haven’t gone for a 15km hike before work on a Monday morning?

After much thought, and pondering over these questions, I think it comes down to how we view ourselves. If we have to say no to a work event, are we going to miss out on that next promotion? Are we less committed and competent than our counterparts? If we say no to a friend’s request, do we fear we’re not a good friend? Or are we letting someone down? The logical answer is no to all of the above. That’s all gravy when you look at these scenarios objectively, but when faced with these situations in person, I believe we all buckle to some extent. We try our damnedest to justify our “no”. We force ourselves to do something that not only doesn’t suit us, but isn’t right for us at the time. We sacrifice our own needs time and time again to suit others, for fear of what a “no” might bring up for us. 

Perhaps it’s something that will always be a struggle for many of us, or perhaps it can be challenged and adjusted. I am more inclined to lean towards the latter. By simply finding our “no” in more trivial situations, I believe we can create a healthier and stronger attitude towards it. Instead of writing a 6 page essay on why you can’t meet the girls for brunch on Saturday, why not just say ‘Sorry, no I won’t be able to make it’. When asked to clean up someone else’s mess in the office, why not say ’No, I’m afraid I don’t have the time’. Constant people pleasing and appeasing is good for nobody. It sounds simple in theory, but by exercising our ability to put ourselves, and our “no’s” first, I feel we can shed some of the limiting expectations and judgements we place on ourselves. Saying “no” and being true to ourselves is empowering and can only lead to a greater ability to assert our needs. An old and cliché saying, but accurate nonetheless; “If it won’t matter in 5 years time, it shouldn’t matter now”.